With more than 3 weeks to go until Grinsi Klinsi gets sacked having suffered the embarrassment of a 0-0 drawfest against Coast of Rica, it is left to us Bloggers to provide light relief by making uneducated guesses about the World-master-ship.
Other than Wayne Rooney being over-shadowed by the so-thin-he-doesn't-cast-a-shadow Theo Walcott, the obvious answer is that Italy will go out amid some sort of conspiracy. If it's not an outrageously disrespectful Korean daring to score against The Azzuri, then it'll be the Czech Republic in cahoots with the USA to mastermind a 2-2 draw and kick the Italians out.More…Whilst we're in that group, expect one of 2 things to happen to Milan Baros:
1) He'll score the somewhat vague amount of a "bagful" of goals and then not recreate in with any kind of domestic form
2) He'll score none and carry it through the next domestic season.
In Group A, Germany will concede none, yet score just one in a scrappy 1-0 against Ecuador, where any number of English tabloids will rue the missed opportunity to use the headline "Ulises' World Cup Odyssey". Berlin will host scenes of never-before-seen violence between Polish and German hooligans, even though the match is in Dortmund.
Group B will be determined by Uri Geller. Expect hilarious and original obituaries in the newspapers because England failed to maul Trinidad and Tobago by the four goals predicted by Pelé. England will fail to beat Sweden, but it won't matter anyway, because Sven will already have run off to manage Germany by June 20th.
Both Serbia and Montenegro will each field 11 men to over-run the Mighty Elephants, the Oranje and Juan Roman Riquelme. Savo Milosevic will score a 30 yard belter to celebrate the decade since Aston Villa last won a trophy:
Iran versus Angola will yield the lowest turnout of the entire tournament. Not through lack of interest you see, but rather because Sepp Blatter will personally be admitting people into the ground. If you haven't got a FIFA-approved product about your person, you "aint gettin' in". Meanwhile on the BBC, Gary Lineker et al will make comments about 'The Latin Game' during Portugal/Mexico, oblivious to the 5 men that have been sent off.
The journalists from The Sun will follow Group G with eagerness, with bastardised versions of headlines such as "Africans ToGo all the way" or "Swiss timing" appearing daily. Scandal will be rife when FIFA attempt to reprimand the French coach for having named only a goalkeeper and Thierry Henry on the team sheet for the game versus Switzerland.
Tunisia and Saudi Arabia fans will be disappointed not to win the much-coveted award of "least watched match". Spain will somehow manage to go out in the group stage, most likely because the Saudi Head of FA will attempt to drag his team off the field due to some perfectly legitimate offside decision.
In the latter stages, things become slightly easier to compute. Germany will one-nil their way to the final, Argentina will beat England on penalties (but not before seeing Rooney subbed off for Crouch), Holland will lose to Asian opposition, Spain and Italy won't be there, and finally Thierry Henry will get injured forcing France to forfeit the tournament.
The eventual winners will be Budweiser having beaten the Fatherland in the final. Die FIFA Weltmeisterschaft 2006™ will be renamed the König des Biers or something equally sloganish.
The Irish team will be welcomed home by thousands due to no-one realising that the victory over Romania was actually just a TV replay. Pat Bonner will be heralded in the media after reproducing a carbon copy of his penalty save against the same team, although it will be regarded as lazy commentating when the commentator uses the phrase "The Big Man from Donegal" again. Eamon Dunphy will still criticise Jack Charlton. He's the only one that knows Ireland didn't actually qualify, but he still likes to complain.
TEAM USA will succeed beyond all expectations, prompting a congratulatory one-liner from George Dubya in the weekly White House newsletter. The US (of A) won't be listening anyway.
Suicide rates will reach an all-time high in England as the realisation finally sets in that Steve McClaren WILL actually be the new manager.
Finally Pelé will come out and say that he expects Easter Island to win the World Cup by 2026.